It’s been three and a half months and I still don’t know what words to use to most accurately describe what happened to me and my brain the night before my Jeopardy! audition in Kansas City. All I know is that I woke up the next morning in the midst of a full-blown anxiety attack – probably the worst one I’ve ever had, and at the absolute worst possible time – one that did not subside for days and fractured what was at the time one of my best friendships and months later I still have no idea at to what extent it is repairable.
The personal setback and recovery process caused me to have to turn down completing two separate Bucket List items earlier this month. This feels incredibly frustrating to me, but I honestly feel that I will have the opportunity to complete them eventually.
I consider it a miracle that I was actually able to get through the audition itself that day. But I did. And at least I feel as though I have a chance to get The Call. Whether The Powers That Be feel the same way, I do not know.
But there’s nothing I can do about those chances now. It’s out of my hands.
(Before you ask: yes, I am taking medication. yes, I am seeing a therapist. yes, it is helping.)
I had a second attack recently – practically three months to the hour after the earlier-mentioned one – which has caused me to take a hiatus from part of my business. It is incredibly frustrating. And it’s going to be a slow process back. My show last night helped. (Though it would have been nice to have had a higher attendance. But what can you do in the middle of a thunderstorm?)
Fortunately, I have things to be thankful for — that there are people who love me more than anything, and who understand when I feel afraid to open up, and are there for me when I choose to. And I know I’m going to need to lean on them.
I just hope I haven’t misjudged the boundaries this time.