When you can’t tell when you read someone’s words whether someone is being helpful or if they’re angry with you.
Because you’ve always had trouble with it making that determination.
Because you’re afraid that your mind is going to screw you over.
And that reminds you of the last time your mind screwed you over.
Because your mind deluded you into thinking something is one way when it really was another.
Because your mind is so anxious and afraid about your one true overarching fear.
The complete and utter fear of dying alone and unloved.
No matter how much your friends try to convince you otherwise, you still have trouble believing their words.
And your mind thinks that on every single little mistake that you’re done for, that you’re never going to be viable, that you’ll never amount to anything, and that because of that, you’ll die alone and unloved.
And because of that crippling fear, it feels like it takes twice as much work as anyone else to move half as far.
Because you have trouble being convinced that anyone else believes in you.
Because you can’t believe in yourself.
Friends: Please do all that you think you can to help me believe in myself.
Oh, sweetie. I’m sending you good thoughts and hope you get some sleep tonight.
Oh how I can relate to most if not all of this. Many many times I’ve thought the exact same thing. Hell, I still have the (mild) anti-anxiety and depression meds in my bedside table to prove it. For me though, the anxiety hit more in school because I got so consumed with trying to do as well if not better than other in my program just because of how competitive my program is.
I still do struggle with the depression part now though, and a lot of the thoughts you’ve mentioned above I most definitely still have at times. I can also relate to the feeling alone and unloved part, hence why I’m giving OKCupid a shot again. While I am actively looking, I also believe that great things will happen when you least expect them to. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that you will meet someone who suits you really well and that will see just how awesome you really are. You DO have many accomplishments Andy, and I DO know that you have many more in store where those came from. I don’t personally know anyone other than you who has not one, but soon to be two novels published, AND has auditioned for Jeopardy TWICE! Those are both amazing. My one friend still hasn’t even figured out how to self-publish even just his one novel that he’s still working on. As for the Jeopardy audition, that’s SO awesome. The amount of information you have stored in your brain continues to astound me. I always leave your trivia nights learning something I didn’t know before. 🙂
Much like my friends have told me when I get anxious or depressed, trust us when we tell you that you’re awesome – it’s TRUE! I know it’s tough to believe at times, but you have a great group of friends around you for a reason. We will keep telling you for as long as it takes for you to believe it yourself, because that’s what friends do. If we didn’t like you and think highly of you, we wouldn’t be your friends, and yet here we are, so there’s obviously a reason. Personally, I’m not going anywhere, and quite frankly I wouldn’t even if you wanted me to. I’m just stubborn like that. 😛
Whenever you need to chat, need a hug or a Buffy fix, you know where to find me 🙂 In the meantime…*EXTRA SQUISHY HUGS*
Aww Andy – I wish I could say I don’t know how you feel… but I do. I know where you’re coming from and how much you just want to tell your brain to just FUCK RIGHT OFF. I think deep down we all have that innate fear of dying alone and unloved.
But know that you ARE loved – by many people and like Ashley said above – you have so many great accomplishments to be proud of. I know that doesn’t take the anxiety or depression away, but if you keep telling yourself (yes – out loud, to drown out the inside voice) how great you are and everything you’ve accomplished – eventually you start to believe it. Thanks for the honesty in this post. I know how hard and scary it can be… I just wrote one last week. But the positive reactions and people reaching out to me was astonishing and it really did help (even just a bit).
Surround yourself with positivity and positive people. Take 30 seconds in the morning, look yourself in the eye (in the mirror) and list off all the reasons you’re AMAZING ANDY… and do it every day. Do it till you start believing every single word that comes out of your mouth. I know it sounds crazy, but there is something about the power of positivity.